Well, it has been a DAMN minute since I last posted – I even forgot my password. This is probably going to be one of the hardest posts to write because I’m exposing so much of myself but maybe, one day someone will come across this post that’s feeling and going through exactly what I am & it will help them not feel alone. So no, this is not a beauty product review or a fashion posts. It’s just me, my feelings & some advice.
Today’s my birthday. Woohoo, Happy Birthday to me. If you have been following me for a while, you would know that my birth MONTH is a real thing. This year however, I don’t even want to celebrate my birthday. It’s my first without my mom.
“Speech is silver, silence is golden.”
I’ll never forget the first few days after her passing, I was in such a daze and consistently surrounded by people. People telling me to eat, people telling me to be strong, people telling me that she’s in a better place. Even though I knew that everyone meant well, I just felt like screaming and telling them to EFF OFF! I don’t want to eat! I don’t want to be strong! Her being in a better place brings me no comfort, she should be here! The thing is, we always want to say the right things, and during such an unfortunate & hard time we panic, and we turn to those scripted phrases in hopes that they help. Best advice I can give, don’t say a word, just hug the person and let them know that you are there.
In the World of Grieve, there is NO TIME LIMIT.
The world moves on and for some reason you feel forced to move on too. However, there is no rule book. There is no specific amount of time. Grieving is such a personal process, its as individually unique as a fingerprint. There will be days that you will smile, other days you will cry, you will reach a point where you will ask yourself “Will I ever truly laugh again? I mean TRULY laugh, the kind of laughs I use to share with my mom?” The laughs that have your tummy in an ache and your face feeling stiff the next day. The answer to that – you probably will, it’s just a matter of time. I haven’t reached that point yet but I believe that my heart is still healing and when the time comes, I will laugh so hard that I snort. Until then, I’m just doing what feels right. It’s a full time job to deal with grief. Give yourself time.
When my mom passed away last year, a part of me passed away too. She was the beginning of my story and now she’s gone. Figuring out how to go on without my beginning has been the hardest challenge of my life. Some days I catch myself grabbing my phone out of habit and trying to phone her. Every single time that happens, I feel as though I’ve had the life sucked out of me. In that moment, I don’t want to be anymore. I just want to be with her. I wish that I could have saved her. There are days where I feel so numb. Numb from happiness. Numb from heartache. Just numb from life. The nightmares come and go. I sometimes can’t decide what’s worse, dreaming of her & then waking up and realizing that it was all a dream or being stuck in a dream, where I’m watching S & my brother-in-law trying to resuscitate her. As morbid as this sounds, sometimes I wish I could be stuck in that dream, because at least I can still see her, touch her, hold her. Depression, in some cases, follows after something so soul destroying. I’m here to tell you that those thoughts, like mine, are normal. It’s normal to be in a dark space and it’s okay because you will get through this. The reality is, I will grieve forever. This isn’t my first loss, I lost my grandfather just two months prior to my mom passing, this is however my hardest loss. It’s been 8 months and I still cry, I still feel lost and I will probably never stop crying. I just won’t cry as much. I’m still on anti-depressants and I’m not ashamed of that. They are helping me cope. Anti-depressants don’t numb you, they don’t take the pain away and make you feel happy. They just help you manage your day to day, without losing your mind. Always, remember you are not alone in this. You have family to lean on, they are your biggest support system and chances are they need you too.
The Firsts of EVERYTHING are the HARDEST
This past month has been a hard one. I spent my first mothers day without my beautiful mama, I’m trying to plan my and S’s wedding/farewell and now my birthday. I’m overwhelmed at the thought of how much I won’t get to share with her. The panic attacks are so real, the sleepless nights, the hurt. The thing that is killing me the most inside, is not having her there to help me put on my dress. To not have her there breaking plates like its a Greek wedding and shouting at my friends “you idiots” – in her very strong Slavic accent. I feel her loss now more than ever. The first Birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, none of it is easy.
Every birthday at 07h05, I would call my mom and baby cry, I would then proceed to thank her for the life that she had given me. For being my mentor and best friend. It was our little tradition. And now I don’t have that anymore. As hard as it is to celebrate all these events & find new tradition, I need to do it. I need to celebrate it in her name. I need to celebrate the life that she gave me. I need to celebrate the beautiful love that my parents shared because I am one of the results of it. I need to be thankful that S & my mom had this beautiful relationship and that she gave him her blessing a long time ago. Every time I look down at my ring, I smile because it once belonged to my mom and now, where ever I am, a part of her is with me. As hard as it is, try find new ways to celebrate those day, find ways to include your mom’s presence. Whether it’s playing her favorite music, baking her favorite recipe or simply by sharing the memories you have with her.
Time DOESN’T necessarily heal ALL wounds.
So to close off this very long post, I just want you to know it’s normal to feel angry with the world. To feel lost. To cry in public (I’ve done it, mine was in a Edgar’s after smelling Pleasures by Estee Lauder – my moms favorite perfume). People will expect you to move on, those people can shove off because there is no time frame to your healing process. The hurt doesn’t get easier, that’s the biggest bullshit ever, you just learn to cope with it better. A part of you will mourn the loss of your mom for the rest of your life, there will be something new that hits you every day. You will search for signs and messages to bring you comfort and that’s totally okay. I do it all the time. The biggest of all, you will be jealous of everyone else who still has their mom in their lives, you will feel angry when they take them for granted. Remind them of how lucky they are, remind them how precious our time is with them and that, that time should be spent loving, cherishing and embracing every single moment.
To my beautiful mama Mira,
There are not enough words to express to you how thankful I am for you. For the life you have given me. For all the advice. For being the best mother a daughter could ever ask for. Thank you for loving me.
I will cherish your memory forever. 29 years ago, I wasn’t the best thing that happened to you. You were the best thing that happened to me!
“Everywhere I go, every smile I see. I know you are there smilin’ back at me. Dancin’ in moonlight, I know you are free. ‘Cause I can see your star shinin’ down on me” – Janet Jackson
I Miss You & I Love You!
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