A warning before you invest time in reading this. I have no idea what this blog post is going to be about. It definitely won’t be beauty related, it might have a touch of fashion at the end, all I know is that I need to start writing again and that this post is guaranteed to be all over the show. Much like my life at the moment.
It has been a while since I last sat down and just wrote about what’s on my mind. I guess I’ve been scared because this would mean having to face everything that has happened. Back in March I did a post on life lessons that I learnt for the first quarter of the year. I think this post might be a continuation of that one. The last two and a half months have been a roller coaster ride. I’ve hit highs and lows within seconds of each other. The lows have been the hardest and have over shadowed the highs. I’m telling you this because I don’t want people to have this idea that the life of a beauty/fashion blogger is luxurious and happy go lucky all the time. The press drops are amazing, attending events is fabulous and creating content is fun but that’s not our lives. If you had to look at my Instagram, you would never say that I’m going through a rough time. You only see what I want you to see and that’s not because I want to hide my reality, I’m just not sure how open and honest people want one to be.
I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to avoid my feelings and all the stress because I was so worried that my anxiety would get triggered. Instead of allowing myself to just feel and go through the motions, I decided to be this stone-cold, I-don’t-need-to-talk-about-my-feelings, I’m-finer-than-fine and stronger-than-strong moody bitch. And for what? Why do we do this? What point are we trying to prove? I think that we are so delusional to think that if other people don’t actually see us suffering then everything is okay with the world. I spent two weeks, driving to work and then back home crying to myself in the car. Once I finished crying I sat there numb. Unsure of how I was meant to feel. I was emotionless. I kept asking myself “was that cry meant to help me?” I actually googled if crying helps, apparently it helps release a stress hormone and as a result it helps relieve tension. It wasn’t until I broke down in front of S that I realized that it wasn’t the crying that wasn’t helping, it was the fact that I allowed myself to think that I was in this alone. We are so afraid to be emotional, afraid to allow ourselves to feel, afraid to allow anyone in because we don’t want to come across as weak or crazy – that right there is causing most of our physical and mental breakdowns. That needs to change. There is nothing wrong with crying. Nothing wrong with feeling lost, sad or hurt. There is everything wrong with feeling that all of that is not okay and that you have to deal with it alone.
Life is the hardest exam you will ever encounter. It tests you in ways you never thought were possible. The multiple choice section isn’t as easy as you thought it would be and unfortunately there is no real way to prepare for it. There is no textbook on life. This is one exam you kind of have to wing and hope for the best. During hard times, we tend to gain some sort of valuable life lesson however at this point the only thing I feel I’ve gained is 5 KGs and aged about 30 years. *The Drama Queen in me had to make an appearance* Okay… in all seriousness, I’ve learned just how precious life is. How at any point you can be thrown this massive curve ball and everything that you had planned has flown out the window. Don’t allow that curve ball to throw you off. Try work with it. Look for that light at the end of your tunnel and gun for it. Whatever you do, don’t let that curve ball win.
I almost let my and S’s little curve ball win this past weekend. I absolutely love these tropical print pants that I picked up from Miss Guided and naturally wanted to do a shoot to show them off. By the time we finished our late lunch, the sun had basically disappeared and I was annoyed. I love shooting during golden hour because the lighting is magnifique. I threw my toys out the cot a little and S convinced to me work with the lighting we had. I huffed and puffed, rolled my eyes about 20 times but I decided to entertain his optimism. Well… am I glad I did because I absolutely love the shots he got. I was bouncing in my chair while editing them. He did great. Sometimes in life we need someone to point us in the right direction.
We are all a little broken, we have all gone through shit, we all had meltdowns and bad days and that’s okay. Those struggles shape and mold us to be stronger, braver, wiser and more thankful. Remember that your current situation is only temporary, you have survived moments like this before and you will get through this one as well. Don’t overthink things, trust in the process and know that you are NEVER alone. Let the people that love you in, it will make this journey a thousands times easier. Take your time healing and finding your feet.
I’m done with my ramble and hopefully it will go back to regular blogging. If you have made it this far then thank you and hopefully this post will give you some sort of motivation and inspiration.
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