Peace Out to this Week. Peace Out to Old Me.
Yesterday, I did a poll over on my Instagram and asked you guys (if you aren’t following me already then, why? Kidding – here’s a link -> ThatsTotallyFetch_sa (shameless promo)) “how real do you guys want me to be?” The result was you wanted all of the realness, so here it is.
The past few weeks I have felt lost and not like myself, granted I’ve had an extremely traumatic year, I think everything was just catching up to me and I felt as though my life was up in shambles. I’ve been in a very negative bubble, I’ve become someone I don’t necessarily recognize. I cry myself to sleep every second night, I cry driving around, I’m overwhelmed with sadness, guilt, frustration and I just fucking miss my mom. I’ve been trying to fight my inner demons for weeks and it needs to stop, I need to accept my insecurities and make peace with them.
While in Cape Town, I had a lot of time to gather my thoughts and figure things out. So, when I got back to Joburg, I took the first step to a healthier and hopefully brighter future – I resigned from my job. I’ve been wanting to do this for a while because as cliché as this sounds my job wasn’t setting my soul on fire but in the same breath, I was too afraid to resign because I had responsibilities and bills to pay. It’s sad that it took the death of my grandfather and mother for me to realize how short life really is and that we aren’t guaranteed a tomorrow. I don’t want to die one day and think to myself I should have taken that leap.
It was time for me to stop overthinking everything, to stop wondering whether or not I’ll manage, to stop obsessing over the fact that I would resign without finding another job. I needed to breathe, I needed to start believing in myself and to keep a positive mindset – in the end, everything works out the way it’s meant to – well so I have been told. Waking up every day to work a 08:00-16:00 job, only to make someone else’s dreams and goals become a reality and then coming home and not working on my own, just seemed like bullshit really. It wasn’t because I was exhausted from a long day of work, it was because I wasn’t motivated, I was uninspired and needed a firecracker to be lit and shoved up my ass to get me going. Ironically that firecracker was my mother, she may not be with me physically but I know in my heart that she’s the one that gave me the strength to go ahead with it. I was lying in bed and I just felt this calm come over me and I knew what needed to be done.
So as of 21 December 2018, I will be jobless, unless I manage to find something in that time. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t scared but I plan on using that fear to my advantage. I’m going to turn my fear into a drive, into motivation. Following your passion is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. Knowing who you are and what you love is so important – it gives you a sense of purpose.
The point of this entire post is just to let you know that if you are feeling lost and alone, that everything will be okay and you are in no way alone. You just need to set some time out for yourself to re-evaluate your situation. You need to find the little positive things in each and every day and from there on, there’s only upwards and onwards. The fact that you are alive and well should be celebrated. I know it’s hard to pull yourself out of that dark hole that feels like it’s going to swallow you whole, I’m still trying to get myself out of it – baby steps are better than no steps at all. The most important thing is that you don’t give up, don’t ignore your potential, and don’t give up on what greatness you could create because you are scared. You are incredible, you are intelligent and you can do and be whomever you want as long as you believe it. Find your authentic self, be a little selfish, it’s important to be. If it doesn’t work out the first time, honey, dust yourself off and learn from that experience. When it finally falls into place, you will realise just how wonderful and worth it, it all was.
I think I’ve found my passion and I’m excited about it. It was quite simple actually, that thing that I’ve been doing after work, or in the early hours of the morning or on my weekends. The thing I am constantly fantasizing about. That thing that gets me excited and makes me super happy. That’s the thing I’m going to pursue and gun for. Creating content for myself and brands, coming up with fun concepts, editing, photography, videography, and social media. That’s my thing. Find your thing, chase it. Live a life of no regrets and no what ifs.
“Life is ironic, it takes sadness to know what happiness is, noise to appreciate silence and absence to value presence.”
I hope this post inspired you a little to gun for your dreams even harder than ever before!
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